3 Simple Steps to More Effective Communication

Communication is the essential key to every relationship, whether personal or professional. Knowing how critical effective communication is means we can all stand to improve our communication skills. Here are 3 simple, yet profound, ways to do just that.

1. Get rid of BUT

I agree ... BUT

I see your point ... BUT

I would like to help ... BUT

I hate to ask.. BUT

• BUT negates any attempt to show you are in agreement, are on the same side, or can work together
• It focuses the message on the negative
• It can lead to more confrontation, anger, and defensiveness
• It takes away from any effort for collaboration or open discussion

(the same goes for however, yet, or any term that shows this contradiction)

Replace with AND

I agree ... AND I also see things this way

I see you point ... AND I see how we could make these changes

I would like to help ... AND I am busy then

• It will take practice to replace our BUTs with ANDs
• It may sound weird or odd at first to hold these contradictions in your mind
• Try rehearsing in your head and out loud

Make AND a new mantra and see how much easier it becomes to talk with others!

We can also use in our own self-talk, which is often critical. For instance:

I need to do better

I am not trying hard enough

I am not successful enough

This sets us up to feel bad and defeated. Instead try:

• I am doing my best AND I can do better
• I am trying hard AND I can try harder

2. Turn SHOULDS into WANTS

When we say we SHOULD do something, it implies we feel it is good for us or the right thing to do, BUT we are not that motivated or interested in doing it.

When we WANT to do something, we know it is good and right and we are motivated to do it.

I SHOULD do my expense reports  ----- I WANT to finish my expense reports because I need them to get paid

I SHOULD exercise/eat healthy ----- I WANT to exercise/eat healthy because I plan to live a long, healthy, active life

Turning SHOULDS into WANTS reframes our actions and makes them priorities. Try it and see your motivation change. You will no longer be putting off or dreading tasks, but rather embracing them.

3. Get into the WISE state of mind before having those difficult conversations

 

The WISE mind is where

• we are open to the views and ideas of others (even if we do not agree)
• we are ready to really listen (not listen with our reply already in mind- but true, non-judgmental listening)
• We are not overly emotional (sad, angry, frustrated)
•  We have empathy and respect for the other person (again, even if we do not agree, we are able to see their side and understand their issues/struggles)

Being in a WISE state of mind before entering into difficult conversations will reduce conflict and enhance relationships. If you struggle to keep emotions or heated opinions to yourself, focus on actively listening. This single task alone will make a huge impact in a conflict/difficult situation.

7 Simple Steps to Keep Your New Year's Resolutions

1. Be specific.  You need clear, concrete, actionable steps that allow you to map progress on a daily basis.

2. Write it down and Review Daily. This way you will know what you are doing that is getting closer (or further away from your goal).

3. Hold yourself accountable. Tell other people/update them on your progress, join or form a like-minded group. You will be more likely to follow through if you spread the word.

4. Ask for help. You may not want to, but if your goal is important to you, and you need help, then you are only doing yourself a favor.

5. Set a deadline. This will help you stay on track. It is also helpful to have mini-deadlines along the way to keep you encouraged and motivated. Plan small rewards for reaching your mini-deadlines.

6. Don’t give up!! If you have an off day, recognize it, understand why, and get back on track. Don’t let one day ruin all the positive work you have done.

7. Focus on the positives.  Rather than giving something up (stop eating junk food/quit smoking), think of what you will gain from sticking to your resolution or reaching your goal (a healthier life/more energy).

Find Your Conflict Style

Conflict Style Quiz and Explanation

Find your Conflict Style

First, take this short five-question quiz to determine your primary and secondary conflict styles. Then continue reading to find out what your style means for you and your interactions with others.

Questions (record your responses- don’t over-think, go with your initial reaction):

1. You are going out with a group of friends and an argument ensues regarding the plans for the evening. You……

A. Quietly move to the back of the group in hopes no one will ask your opinion

B. Strongly state your preference and try to persuade others to go along with your plan

C. Offer a suggestion that is a combination of the top choices of the group

D. Go along with whatever is decided in order to keep the peace, even if it is not what you really want to do

E. Ask questions to get more information and try to find a solution that makes everyone happy

2. At a family function, your aunt starts to gossip and talk negatively about a cousin whom you really like. You……

A. Go to another room to keep out of the discussion

B. Get into a heated discussion while expressing your thoughts and try to get your aunt to “see it your way”

C. State how your cousin has faults like everyone else, but is still a good person (try to find a middle-ground)

D. Go along with what your aunt is saying, even though you don’t agree

E. Try to bring all concerns out into the open so the issue can be resolved

3. You are in a critical meeting at work where major decisions are being made that will affect your direct role in the company and job duties. You……

A. Avoid openly discussing your differing opinions with your boss and colleagues

B. Use your position and experience to influence a decision in your favor

C. Suggest a course of action that is a middle-ground for everyone

D. Refrain from speaking up in order to let others have a say since you are happy to go along with whatever is decided

E. Integrate your ideas with the ideas of others in order to reach a joint decision

4. You are in the process of making a major purchase (e.g. house, car, expensive furniture, etc.) with your significant other. You……

A. Have strong preferences but refrain from expressing them in order to avoid a disagreement

B. Adamantly express your preferences and reasons why your choices are the right ones

C. Try to find an option that would allow you to each get some of what you want

D. Give in to the choices of your significant other in order to make him/her happy

E. Work with your significant other to explore alternative options that would meet both of your needs

5. While talking with a co-worker, he/she says something you find offensive and that you really don’t agree with. You……

A. Keep your thoughts to yourself as you don’t want any hard feelings between the two of you

B. Openly express how the comment made you feel and strongly state your perspective on the situation

C. Talk through the issue to reach a common ground

D. Express thoughts/opinions in agreement with your co-worker

E. Look up unbiased information on the topic and engage your friend in a rational discussion in order resolve the issue together

And Your Style Is……

If you selected mostly:

A’s – Your primary conflict style is Avoidance

Avoiders tend to deny conflict, change the subject, use humor to dodge issues, and withdrawal from situations to avoid engaging in conflict.

You might avoid conflict because it causes anxiety/fear, you don’t feel you can get what you want/need by engaging, or because you don’t feel you have the skills to resolve conflict another way.

Advantages of this style:

• Avoidance can provide time to think of another response/solution, especially if “thinking on the fly” is not a strong suite of yours

• If the issue/relationship is not important to you, it can be prudent to not get involved (e.g. you are not wasting time or resources on the conflict, you are staying out others’ business, or you are not needed to resolve the issue)

• Avoidance can keep you from harm in a potentially dangerous/hostile situation

• You can limit influence from others if you avoid the situation entirely

Disadvantages of this style:

• Avoidance demonstrates to others that you are not able or do not care enough to get involved

• Avoidance prolongs the conflict, allows it to simmer and grow, and can lead to conflict escalation

• By always avoiding conflict, you are reinforcing unhelpful beliefs that conflict is bad/scary and that you are incapable of finding successful resolutions

• Avoidance allows you (and others) to go your own way, denying any sort of influence, when in reality, we are always being influenced by others and influencing them in turn

• Avoidance in significant relationships often results in decreased satisfaction for both parties

• Constant avoidance has been linked to health issues and diminished well-being

B’s – Your primary conflict style is Competition

Competitors try to out-power others, using aggressive and uncooperative behavior. Those with this style often pursue their own goals at the expense of others and try to gain power through direct confrontation. Those with this style can take self-expression to the extreme, always stating an opinion and/or taking a side.

You view conflict as a battleground where the goal is to win at any cost. You can use assertive strategies at times, but when stressed or emotional, tend to allow more aggressive tactics to prevail. You might feel being aggressive is the only way to get what you want/need.

Advantages of this style:

• Competition can be helpful in situations when a quick, decisive action needs to be made (e.g. emergencies)

• Competition can lead to creative ideas and quick actions in situations where others respond well to competition or are rewarded for this behavior

• Competition is useful when the goal/outcome is more important than the person/relationship (e.g. in short-term, non-continuous relationships)

• A strong degree of commitment to an issue can be viewed as dedication/passion and shows the issue is important

• Competition is useful in situations where this type of response is expected (e.g. games, sports, courtrooms) and using another style of conflict response might be detrimental

Disadvantages of this style:

• Competition can harm relationships since the focus is on external goals/outcomes rather than maintaining the association

• Resolving conflicts using competition can cause the other party to resort to disrespectful, deceitful, and/or covert means to “win”

• Competition reduces outcomes to only two options, where there is always a “winner” and a “loser”

• An extremely competitive style can lead to aggressive, bully-like, even violent behavior, causing others to feel like victims

C’s – Your primary conflict style is Compromise

 Compromisers believe in “give and take” and that you can be satisfied with only part of what you want. This style is moderately assertive and cooperative. This style requires shared power, as both parties need to give up something in order to gain something else.

Our society tends to value compromise. However, when power is not equal, one party ends up giving-in or giving-up. Often with compromise, you have to give up something valuable to show you are committed to the relationship, or in order to get the other side to give up something important as well.

Advantages of this style:

• Compromise can reduce conflict in a short time if both sides are willing to give up certain priorities

• Compromise reinforces feelings of shared power and equality

• Compromise is often used as a back-up solution in conflict situations when other strategies fail

• As stated, compromise is valued and supported in our society, so it seems to be a reasonable/rational way to handle disputes

Disadvantages of this style:

• Compromise can be over-used and an “easy way out” when parties don’t want to spend time thinking of more creative solutions

• Compromise entails some loss. You will not get everything you want/need

• Compromise can be used a form of avoidance to come to a quick solution rather than discussing more deeply the issues at hand

• Compromise can be limiting since it is familiar and easy to use. It can prevent you from taking the time to think of more flexible and creative alternatives

D’s – Your primary conflict style is Accommodation

Accommodators put the needs of others before their own. They would rather keep the peace and cooperate than get what they truly want/need. Accommodators are people-pleasers, but may harbor resentment and anger at feeling they always have to give in to the needs of others.

You often feel you are fulfilling the needs of the group (family, friends, co-workers) by sacrificing your wants or by letting others decide. However, groups are usually better served when everyone is committed and plays an active role in decision-making.

Advantages of this style:

• Accommodating to others (especially if you find out you were wrong) is seen as being reasonable

• If an issue is very important to the other person, and not very important you, giving in can reduce conflict quickly

• If keeping peace and harmony are the most important goals of the relationship/situation, accommodation allows the relationship to continue as-is without conflict

• Accommodating a more senior or experienced person can be seen as a sign of respect

 Disadvantages of this style:

• Accommodation can lead to competition if you are always trying to “one-up” the other person by showing how nice and reasonable you can be

• Constantly acquiescing to others means your needs are never met, which can lead to feelings of anger, resentment, and depression

• If you always give in to another, both your and their commitment to the relationship/situation is never tested

• Accommodation can provide a sense of resolution without a real resolution being reached, making it more likely the situation will escalate at a later point

• By always curbing your needs for the needs of others, you may feel you lack the power to resolve conflict any other way or to express your wants/needs, keeping you from fully engaging in a situation/relationship

E’s – Your primary conflict style is Collaboration

Collaborators value their needs/goals and the needs/goals of others. They want a successful outcome and a better relationship. This shows a high level of concern for and commitment to both sides.

Collaboration has similarities to compromise but differs in that collaborators try to find creative solutions that meet all needs of both parties, rather than relying on both sides giving up something in order for both to be happy.

Collaboration takes a lot of effort. Both parties have to be willing to actively engage in problem-solving and creative solution-making that will maximize outcomes for both.

Advantages of this style:

• Collaboration results in joint benefits for those involved and leads to constructive outcomes

• Collaborative outcomes result in greater satisfaction for those involved

• Collaborators come up with new, creative ideas to problems

• Collaboration shows respect and requires everyone to be committed

• Collaboration is a long-term, relationship-building (both personal and professional) style that actively reinforces the importance of the relationship to both parties

• Collaboration builds a team/partnership approach to conflicts and prevents the other party from using aggressive, destructive means to resolve the dispute

Disadvantages of this style:

• Collaboration requires a high-energy, long-term commitment, and more time and resources than other ways of resolving disputes

• If the relationship or situation is trivial, collaboration may not be worth the time and effort

• If you only use this style, you can become inflexible when situations are better suited to other methods of problem-solving

Now that you know your primary style, your secondary conflict style is the style you selected the next most frequently. It is important to learn about this style as well. This may be a style you are trying to adopt or that your current environment has forced you to adopt. Our primary style is the style we will use most often and the one we will revert to when under stress.

While it is great to strive for collaboration when possible as this style allows for a win-win outcome where both sides get their needs met, it is important to note that no one style is perfect or best for all situations. All the styles have advantages and disadvantages.

Keeping a flexible conflict resolution style is optimal as it allows you to meet the needs of the situation, rather than staying rigidly attached to only one style.

The most important thing is to become more aware of your style, how you use it, and when it comes into play. By learning how you, and those you interact with most frequently, tend to resolve disputes, you can have greater awareness of and control over conflict situations.

So, next time you find yourself in the middle of a dispute, take a moment to reflect on what style you and the other person are using to resolve the problem and ask yourself:

• Is this the most constructive approach to solving this conflict?

• How will resolving this conflict in this way affect my relationship with this person (and do I care)?

• Is it possible to find a collaborative solution?

And, if you were not able to stop yourself in the middle of the conflict (as it can be quite challenging at times!), take time to reflect after the fact, asking yourself the same questions. Then think about how the outcome could have been different if a different approach were used.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and experiences.

(reference: Wilmot & Hocker, 2007. Interpersonal Conflict)

I Statements

I Statements are a simple yet effective way to express strong feelings without placing blame or inciting conflict.

They take some practice, but with a little effort you will be well on your way to positive communication and less stress.

Here is the format:

I feel __________________ when______________ because__________________

Here are a few examples:

To a roommate/partner

• I feel irritated when dirty dishes are left on the counter because I enjoy coming home to a clean house (or- because it attracts bugs)

To a child:

• I feel upset when toys are not picked up because they can be tripped over and cause accidents

To a boss:

• I feel anxious when projects are assigned at the last minute because I don’t feel prepared to complete them to the company’s, and my own, high standards

You can use I Statements in any situation to reduce conflict and feelings of defensiveness from the other person as no blame is being assigned. You are simply expressing how you feel.

Everyone can walk away feeling good. You because you expressed yourself in a positive and productive way, rather than keeping those strong emotions bottled up, and the other person because they now know how you feel and were not blamed, yelled at, or put down.

I challenge you to practice using I Statements this week with different people (friends, co-workers, partners, while driving instead of yelling profanities!).

Report back on how they worked and any challenges you faced.

Check out more great tips at Enlightened Solutions

How to Get People to Like You Instantly and Gain an Edge in Personal and Professional Relationships

We have just seconds upon meeting a new person to get him/her to like and be interested in us. This is true for both personal and professional relationships. Making a meaningful connection in a short time can give us an edge, whether its during that important interview, the date you have been excited about, or when trying to secure a new client or business contact.

One way to grab attention and build rapport is to be in synch with the other person. People like those who are similar to them. One easy way to get in synch with another person is through matching and tuning into that person’s sensory style.

Below are the main sensory styles. Most people have a preference for one, but we use all sensory styles depending on the situation.

Sensory types:

Visual:

• Cares about appearance, dresses well and likes to stay fit
• Talks and thinks quickly
• Uses words and phrases such as:

• I see
• See you later
• Imagine that
• I can picture it
• A sight for sore eyes
• We see eye to eye

Auditory

• In between visual and kinesthetic styles in terms of appearance and body type
• Moderate rate of speech and thinking
• Uses words and phrases such as:

• I hear you
• I clicked with him/her
• Listen
• I got an earful
• Tune out/in
• That rings a bell

Kinesthetic

• Focuses on comfort rather than style and is not as concerned about body appearance (unless person is an athlete/trainer)
• Tends to talk and think more slowly
• Uses words and phrases such as:

• I feel you
• Firm grasp of the situation
• I connected with him
• Pain in the neck
• Go with the flow
• I will get in touch with you

Challenge yourself to begin listening to and noticing the styles of others around you. Once you actively try to pick up on someone’s style, you will find how easy it becomes. You can start doing this as a fun way to kill time while waiting in line at the super market, when eating in a restaurant, or while riding on public transit.

Once you become aware of another’s style, try synchronizing with it by using words/phrases that appeal to that person’s style. This simple technique can get others to like you quickly, giving you an edge in any social situation.

Want to know your style? Take the quiz below to find out.

Sensory Style Quiz:

1. When checking into your hotel for vacation, you choose the room that
   1. Has an ocean view but is noisy
   2. Allows you to hear the ocean, but has no view
   3. Is the utmost of comfort and luxury, but has no view and is noisy
2. When faced with a problem, you
   1. Look for alternatives
   2. Talk about the problem
   3. Rearrange the details
3. When buying a new car, you want it to
   1. Look good
   2. Sound quiet or powerful
   3. Feel comfortable and/or safe
4. When describing to a friend the latest concert you attended, you first
   1. Describe how it looked
   2. Tell your friend how it sounded
   3. Describe how it felt
5. In your spare time, you most enjoy
   1. Watching TV/movies or playing video games
   2. Reading or listening to music
   3. Doing something physical like crafts, gardening, or sports
6. The sense you would never want to lose is
   1. Sight
   2. Hearing
   3. Touch
7. You spend the most time indulging in
   1. Daydreaming
   2. Listening to your thoughts
   3. Picking up on your feelings
8. When someone wants to convince you of something, you
   1. Need to see evidence or proof
   2. Talk yourself through the information
   3. Trust your intuition
9. You usually speak and think
   1. Quickly
   2. Moderately
   3. Slowly
10. Take a breath. Where did you breath from?
    1. High in your chest
    2. Low in your chest
    3. Your stomach
11. When navigating around a new city, you
    1. Use a map/GPS/Google maps
    2. Ask for directions
    3. Trust your intuition
12.  When buying clothes, you pick
    1. What looks best on you/what looks the most polished
    2. What makes a personal statement or reflects your personality
    3. What feels comfortable
13. When deciding on a new restaurant to try, you make the decision based on
    1. The building looking impressive
    2. The restaurant being quiet
    3. The restaurant being comfortable
14. You make decisions
    1. Quickly
    2. Moderately
    3. Slowly

Tally your responses.

Mostly A’s- Your sensory style is Visual

Mostly B’s- Your sensory style is Auditory

Mostly C’s- Your sensory style is Kinesthetic

Write down your style in rank order (e.g. VKA). Have your partner and/or close friends take the quiz to see how well you are matched. People tend to get along best with others who have a primary or secondary style in common. If you find yourself arguing with or having trouble connecting with someone, it could be because your sensory styles are out of synch.

Check out Enlightened Solutions for more great tips!

(Information adapted from How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less- Nicholas Boothman)

How to Win the Guinness World Record for “Nicest Divorce Ever”

Ok, well maybe that is going a little too far. But, there is no reason (no matter how angry, hurt, pissed off, betrayed, furious, upset, sick, crushed, or otherwise awful you feel) the divorce process has to be filled with bitterness, contempt, or hateful words.

I am not saying that acting like a respectful, responsible, mature adult will always be easy, but after all, that is what you are right? So it’s time to start acting like one (or at least trying to act like one).

So the next time you are blinded by fury or so heartbroken you could weep, think of this:

1.    No matter how badly we feel, it is NEVER ok to put down or hurt someone else to make ourselves feel better.

2.    What we say and do speaks far, far more about us than it does about those we are badmouthing.

3.    Stress kills. Literally, it will take years off your life, add grey hairs to your head, and put lines on your face. Is your ex worth all that?

4.    In a storm, it is always wiser to take the higher ground.

5.    You are a role model to others (especially if you have children). Show them how gracefully you can let go of what is no longer meant for you.

6.    You will never reach a positive place with negative thoughts and actions.

7.    Who are you really mad at? It might be yourself, and you don’t deserve to be yelled at.

8.    Anger and worry have never solved anything, except maybe how to waste inordinate amounts of time you will never get back accomplishing absolutely nothing.

9.    If your goal is to eventually be happy and move on, you need to start now. That means letting go of all those negative emotions that are keeping you stuck where you are right now, feeling the way you feel right now.

10. And if none of these words of wisdom have inspired you to stop the yelling and social media bashing, at least be nice for no other reason that it will really piss the other person off.

This advice has helped me make better decisions while going through my own divorce. You will struggle. There will be times you will yell, scream, cry, and act less maturely than you truly are. But, the point is not to be perfect, but to strive to be better than you were the day before or the minute/hour before.

I have struggled as a psychologist and conflict specialist who should “know better,” so I am definitely not saying letting go of the anger and hurt will be easy.

I will admit there were times I name-called, bashed, and put down. What I learned from those times was that those behaviors ultimately made me feel worse rather than better. I felt horrible for treating another human being that way, especially one that I had at one time loved dearly. I was also embarrassed at myself and felt ashamed when I had to recount my actions to friends and family. That is not the kind of person I want and strive to be. 

We are human, we feel, and that means we are susceptible to irrational, immature, spiteful behavior. But we don’t have to let our anger and hurt control us. Take charge of your emotions and your life. You will be happier you did.

Check out Enlightened Solutions for more great information